msmagdalene

Im considering moving my personal blog to blogspot.com

I've been using live journal for almost 10 years. The accounts that i have on here have so much history. They have my life history on these pages, but, i am not the person that these accounts reflect me to be. Ive grown up, and i dont want my past actions and thoughts following me around. I wouldnt delete these accounts, i cant delete my past, but i dont want people to read it all now and have it reflect badly on me...


Now, what should my username be on there?

I can never do anything right. I dont ever recieve the respect i deserve, and my boyfrind takes everything i do for him for granted.

I'm never cleaning, doing laundry, cooking, doing dishes, etc. again. Whats the point anymore when he has no respect for all that i do and trashes it all within 2 hours. Oh yeah and our meals are ALWAYS what he wants. In fact everything is always what he wants. He never drives anywhere. He never goes to the store. He ceans when he fels like it.

I'm just so sick of his whinning if he doesnt get his way. His mood swings are getting horrible. ANd so are mine.

Sometimes i think of where i could be right now, if id never met Chris and then i ge so sad. I dont want to think this all. I mean, i really do love this guy. Hes just getting on my fucking nerves and acting even more immature than ever.

Since i cant really scream, i'm going to do it here.... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!


= /

I JUST APPLIED TO BE A VIDEO GAME TESTER!!! IN UPSTATE NY?!
Who cares if it pays only $9.00 an hour. It's 40 hrs per week, mostly days ( some wekends) and it would be my ideal job. I finally wrote my first cover letter since highschool. I thought it was very catchy and pretty much summarized what i was looking for and what thy would find within. I REALLY hope these people call. My only downfall is my inexperience when it comes to testing games and troubleshooting involved but i do really belive that i would be able to pick up on all of that very quickly.

The company i applied for has helped produce all the guitar heros, 007: quantum of solace and NUMEROUS other games i already play on a regular basis!

WAIT until chris hears about this!

I really really really hope i get this, but so do about 90485098069284098w09 other kids/adults in this area 18 and over, more than likely.

I'm going to try to not get my hopes up too much. Time to start working out hardcore! Gotta look good... you know.

Days like today really wish i was dead because then i wouldnt have to deal with all the problems that life has thrown at me. My life has never been good. It's as if i've been cursed since the day i was born. Thinking about it i truly dont believe there was ever a time i was truly happy, except for when i was on drugs. Lord knows how that addiction did not last, and that i overcame all that noise because that had the potential to be a big explosive mess. Seriously though, i havent thought about dying since i was in my mid teens, but now its something i think about on a regular basis. Im afriad that my brain is reaching back in depths i thought it had burried long ago.

One of the biggest things right now is the ordeal with my brother. I mean, it's been 6 years. And it is partially my fault. I stopped calling and seeing him but only because i felt so unwelcome in her home. There was no way to be private with him and we couldnt take him anywhere, and it was ALWAYS on HER fucking schedule. I then moved away and really never came home and by the time i'd moved back the number has been changed and stuff.

But i found a way. I found her on facebook. So i sent the bitch a very mature message devoid of accusations and such.This is how it read:

I seemed to have stumbled upon your page in a quest to find my brother online. It's been 6 years since ive last seen him and that is far too long. I would like your permission to contact him, either via the phone, email or a hand written letter. I want to be part of his life and i want to know if he would like to be a part of ours.Our family wants to be a part of his life but if that is not possible and only i am able to then so be it.

This is absence was brought about by a plethora of problems but it is not fair for us to be punished in such a fashion. He is my little brother. I never got to see him off for his first day of school, i have not been there for all the achievements, and sports, and that is killing me. Its killing all of us.

I dont expect him or you to just welcome us with open arms. Id slowly like to establish a relationship with him again and when he is comfortable and up to it, i'd like to see him. I'm 23 years old. I'd like to bring him our for dinner or something eventually.I want to share in his life at school, in sports, friends and family.

We all would.

You can either contact me here, at stephanierelyea@hotmail.com or by phone at 518-322-6311.

Thanks, and hopefully i hear from you soon

She , instead of responding and stuff, delted her facebook. She delted the whole fucking thing! She's 40 years old and she keeps running from all of this. I understand how my resurfacing may mess with the perfect life she has now and it may throw things off kilter but i cant imagine he has forgotten about us. My only fear is that she told him all this horrible stuff after we stopped contact because, well even before that she was telling him we were horrible people. God, i love my brother so much . I dont think my hart has ever been this broken before. Seriously people, i can not make you feel the pain i do. I guess it's close to the pain one would feel if they were to lose a close family member. Lose as in die. Except , it's like you thought this person had died only to find out they've been alive all this while, and try as you might you cant contact them. Thats the type of pain i feel. ITs been keeping me up at night, and is starting to make me physically sick. I've barely eaten in 2-3 days.


I've also been out of bud for about 4 days now and the lady i buy from is out too. Shes been waiting a while to get some. I guess they've been cracking down all the pot dealers up here. Seriously, why cant i just enjoy anything?! Everytime i play on xbox Chris gets jealous, and thinks i enjoy plying with these stoner kids from Lexington, NC more than him. It's not the truth but they are a good way to de-stress bcause they dont yell at me. Ever. These kids are the biggest stoners ive ever met, in real life or online. Haha, they want me to come chill and smoke a blunt if i ever go to NC again.

Because
Because the world is round it turns me on
Because the world is round...aaaaaahhhhhh

Because the wind is high it blows my mind
Because the wind is high......aaaaaaaahhhh

Love is old, love is new
Love is all, love is you


Because the sky is blue, it makes me cry
Because the sky is blue.......aaaaaaaahhhh

Aaaaahhhhhhhhhh....


I'm on the biggest beatles kick of my life. I'm glad i'm welcoming music back into my life and that my collection is growing on a daily basis. I missed this. I miss a lot of things about the person i was before all the drugs, booze and partying. Chris told me on a scale of 1-10 ( 1 being the worst, ten the best) of how attached to reality my mind is, that i am a 7. He said i'm burntout from all the shit i've done, but that im still here, just a little "HUH?!". I was offened at first, but its true....

HEY JUDE............

I had no where else to go. Chris is asleep and danielle isnt answering my texts and i'm a total mess right now.

I just found pictures of my brother on the internet. I found his mothers facebook. I havent seen him in 6 years. I have not seen his face in 6 years! I'm so besides myself. I havent heard his voice, or been there for much of his childhood. He looks so happy. So healthy. He looks like us ( the relyeas). I've been told he is disgustingly smart and very well liked in school ( a family friend has been his substitute teacher before).

I want to see him so badly. What i really want is to give him the chance to decide for himself but i dont know what to do . I'm afraid if i contact his mother that she will only deny us even more.

I mean come on! To deny someone their family for 6 years because you decided you didnt like our family for no reason is just so wrong.

Even though i havent seen him in 6 years i still love him like the day he was born. God i miss him.

I havent posted much lately because i havent had much to say besides the usual ranting and raving about job, money, life. It's always all the same. The same wishes and dreams that never get fullfilled. I need out of here. NY drives me nuts, or maybe i'm just going nuts because i havent had a true vacation in.... almost 2 years, and even then it was a strained vacation at its best. As much as i would like to leave , i cant. MONEY.

I'm also pretty sure i need to get my wisdom teeth removed but im dreading making the hone call and appointment, but this pain is slowly becoming unbearable. It started a few months ago with constant dull headaches. These headaches have turned into massive migraines, or my bad days, and my jaw just throbs until the pain meds kick in. The tooth broke through the gum and now its pushing on the tooth next to it causing my pain. Just seriously, evolution, we dont need these teeth just knock them out of there for future generations. Really though, i'm actually hoping my dentist says that i have to get all four removed because well then i wont reall be able to eat for a week and i know i'll lose weight. Its a horrible thought to have but just knowing i can only suck down soft, cool things for days makes me so excited. I think it's the past person in me. The young girl who enjoyed starving herself to be thin. This was all so long before most of you knew me, back in the days of middle school and early high school, the days before i stopped caring about anything.

I need to write to my new penpal. I told her i'd send her letter out this week and i havent written it and i feel like a horrible person. But i really enjoy writing to someone i dont know. It's a nice outlet, and allows me to meet people through out the country and the world. I know i could do it all on her but that is so artificial.

Resident Evil 5 for the 360 is seriously the best game to come out this year, thus far. Chris played over 12 hours today and its probably going to be what we do tomorrow before i have to go to work.

Time for bed. I'll write more again soon. I forgot a lot of what i wanted to say. Oh well.

I could never imagine my life without Christopher and i am so lucky to have him. It makes not having friends ok because well, i never really get sick of hanging out with him. Sure we argue and bicker, but at the end of the day we go to bed so much more in love than we were when we woke up.

I'm starting to consider just working at the grocery store during the day, as a cashier, and bank all the money that i make at that job to move. I want to start my life and unfortunately i need to be away from my family to do that. For some reason i let them all have so much of a pull on my life . But it's MY life, not theirs and i should do what i want. I still havent come up with a decision about my sister.... i still dont know what to do .

Chris and i do need a friend that would like to play risk with us. He bought me the game back in like august or sept. or something and we have yet to play because NO ONE WILL PLAY WITH US!! This sucks. I seriously love this game. HIs cousin and our friend mags just refuse to. Sure, they'll sit on the 360 all day and play mind numbing games but cant spend a few hours playing a game that requires you to think.

I'm going to stop writting for a while, ill fiish this post later.

I hate the fact that right now i have to make a big one and in making this decision i either lose either way. Depending on what i choose to do either my bf moves out and back to his parents until we eventually move, whenever that is, or i piss off my father and my sister, probably my mother and grandmother too.

See right now my sister, mother and father all live together due to some stuff that happened about 6 months ago , they all needed a home. Well, now my mother is moving back in with her boyfriend and his kids and my father is moving in with our grandmother until he moves out of state. Now, my sister. She needs a place to live. She can live with my mother and mike and either have the whole basement to herself or her own bedroom, rent free. She told my mother she will not live there again and instead is pushing heavily on me to let her live here, like she did for me when i needed a place to crash. The thing is that i was only at her house for a month. 1/2 of that i had a bed and 1/2 of it i slept on a couch. I was really rarely there when her and her boyfriend were home, id stay out til 2 or 3 am everyday so they could have their privacy.

I want to say yes to her. It would lower our bills for the next few months and allow us to save. The thing is Chris is so agaisnt this, but part of me is too. This is my life. Chris and i have a hard enough time fitting into this two bedroom apartment , let alone add another person to the mix. Not only that but if the rental office found out she was living here and we had a third car instead of the two that are allowed we can be evicted.

So either i help out my sister ( who still has two months to find her own place, or move in with my mother RENT FREE), and lose my boyfriend or say no to my sister and completely get the wrath of my entire family. I should not have to make this decision. I love my family. I love my boyfriend who is part of my family to me and before i get the " Well if he loved you hed help her out" speeches, Chris and i live our lives exactly how we want. We are both intensely private people ( though i guess you could say im not as private as i seem to write out my life story on this blog) and by allowing someone else into our home our lives literally have to change. We cant walk around in just underwear like we always do. We cant be up until 3 or 4 am everyday like we are ( my sisters room would be right off the living room). We'd have to move all our furniture around when we just finally got it set up how we like.Of course too, if Chris were to stay all of his shit would be going into our bedroom and the walls are pretty thin here, i can only imagine the noise complaints we would get from playing video games all night.

I am just so lost right now. I feel like a heartless person for not wanting my sister here, but i dont want to completely change my life. But i want her here because she is my sister and i want to help her. I already know she is going to act like a mother and be all bitchy that shit is dirty, or that we smoke too much bud etc etc.I have not been this depressed in a while,I slept until 2 pm today. Ive watched the entire season of Dead Like Me in about 12 hours. I just cleaned the living room and that took enough energy. Now, im looking at the kitchen and all i can do is cry because of all the dishes. And the laundry. OMG THE LAUNDRY. There are not enough hours in the day.

I wish i could just disapear then that way i would not have to make this decision. Oh yeah, my father also informed me that he will be storing shit in my garage. Oh, ok , glad that he asked. We dont even have any room down there, so now i have to throw my shit out too.

Im losing my mind.....and i have no clue what to do .

I really hate apple computers. This computer has lasted me far shaorter than my dell.
First, i ruined my battery.
Second, the ethernet port stopped working
Third, now, there is some hardware problem and my cd burner doesnt work
Fourth, Even though its a slot loading dvd drive its still scratching my cds!

HATE THIS LAPTOP.I think i'm going to hook up my apple desktop for the time being and use my laptop as my monitor until i get my taxes back.

Die Macbook die~~~!~@~!!@E#@#RQ@$TQW#QA

According to weather.com it's only 46 outside. According to our electronic thermometer it's 56!!!!!
I wish i wasnt a double today :/

Chris should have taken his motorcycle to work too. Oh well. Shower time!

I know i just posted but i just realized that i love old stuff. A TON. I think thats why i cant get rid of stuff, and why i like history so much.

So it's weird that Chris is younger than me!
Especially if i like everything older.

But really i love old books. old pictures. old furniture.
old music, old stories. ancient history.

all that stuff. i love ancient knowledge and their way of life. i look at pictures of people from my town at christmas dressing up as the old school christmas carolers with the top hats and the little fur muffs for the hands and the big ball gowns, and i smile. It has to be so awesome to get to dress like that and pretend if only for one day a year that life was like it used to be.

it makes me envious sometimes.

Im listening to Abandoned Pools right now. Now, if none of you remember who they are, you may remember the show Clone High on MTV a few years ago.OK, like at least over 5 years old but whatever. They were the band responsible for the entire soundtrack.I think i saw them with Hoobastank, maybe, when i was in like 11th grade ( which would be about, 7-8 years ago. They are seriously amazing and now i remember why i decided to get the robot on their album cover as a tattoo. Its a shame that the tattoo had to be so shitty and that i lost the reason behind getting it done in the first place.


Sometimes i sit here and stare at my tattoos and wonder if i made the right decision. I also wonder if deep down inside i dont like them and thats why i havent gotten any in almost 3 years. Then i realize i am nuts! I love my tattoos. They are my own personal scrapbook. I wish i could still afford not only the tattoos , but the time out of work i would more than likely take. I may get one when i eventually take a vacation. First, I need to lose a TON of weight. I know . I know. Its the same thing every week and i never do anything about it. But, after buying this car i have a desire to take better care of myself. It's weird and i dont know what it was, but i think that continuing to have crappy cars and living in crappy apartments made me feel like i was still so young, lost and hopeless. I've finally cleaned up my credit. A TON. I know at one point my credit score was in the 300s. Yes. A good one is usually in the 600s or 700s, but now my credit is close to perfect. I own a nice car. Not something that is going to keep breaking down on me and even if it does i can actually get it fixed now because there are actually parts. With this cleaning up ive done financially and materialistically i want to clean up my image. Tomorrow after work i'm going grocery shopping. Without Chris and I am going nuts in the produce section. We both love the fruits and veggies. I'm buying oatmeal for my breakfast ( i actually like that stuff! Who would have thought, at 23 years old, would be the first time ive actually had it. and liked it.)Im just over all the excuses. I want my life in order. I want my home in order. I want to look good for my bf, and for my hopefully eventual move to AZ.

I have all these goals and great plans. I bet by monday none of this gets started on.

I'm the ultimate procrastinator and i think im a bit too late. Though everyone will say its never too late to change your life, im not sure my hear is truely ready to let go.

One day, i'll finally let go of everything, and i think that day will be the best day of my life.


What a mess our lives turned out to be
It was at its best when you and I were only 3
We can start with all the things that turn us out
And we can go right down the list and throw them out

Can we start over?
It's over

Here you are and there's where you wanna be
But don't think you don't have company
Think of all the lonely people in the world
And if it's God who made us why we so damn cruel

We can never lie
And you can never steal the time
And we can only watch them die
And we can never find out why

So im trying to make a better effort at actually giving each post i make a subject, though i dont know how well i'll actually stick to me subjects. In this case today, i probably wont. It's just what is going on right now.

I downloaded all of Hoobastank's CDs yesterday, as well as MSI.

I'm still so sicky! Now it has advanced to one of those coughs where you can feel your chest rattle , even when you breathe.BLAH! And of course, like i said he would, Chris is getting sick. We should buy a humidifier for this place though, it's just so dry!

So we went to the mll yesterday and i got Gears of War 2 again, though, i didnt really want to . I got it cause Chris's cousin told me hed buy me a month worth of xboxlive ( which he did). We also went to this store called "World Bazaar" that was going out of business. I got a beautiful metal ( heavy) incense holder for $8, a nice pretty box to hold all my pipe collection for about 10$ and some Pachouli incense sticks for 1$. Chris got this wooden box with skulls all over it . ( And yes, little sister if you are reading this, it IS the SAME box you gave to Brian. We just got it for 15$). We also have this store in our mall that sells like, reproductions of artists work on canvas. It's a huge store and has so much stuff. Well they have this like, 5 or 6 foot painting of Heath Ledgers joker sitting in a chair. And it's only $120, i'm kind of considering getting Chris that for v-day/his b-day/christmas. I didnt spend as much on him as a usually do and he really wants it. I'm just afraid hell put it in the bedroom! :/

OK, well i'm going to listen to some Prodigy, play some xbox live and then go to my g-mas so i can see her and watch Cash Cab!!!!!!

<3

Oh yeah and Hello to any new friends that may hve added me. My posts are not all that exciting. In fact most of the time i'm complaining about something, but it will be good to have new voices around!!!!

I woke up this morning to chris leaving for work and promptly fell back to sleep. I then woke up again at 9 AM ( 1 hour later) to Chris back in bed just staring at me. I guess he made it to work and then decided about an hour in to leave. He's not feeling too well and im just getting over being sick , so its been cool to spend a day together. Between him working 8-4 everyday and having the weekend off, and me working 4-11 everyday and working on the weekends, we dont spend all that much time together. So i really love when we get to just hang out all day. He called me Mrs. Mitrione today and i answered to it, not realizing it, and he smiled. As did i , once i'd realized what id done.

I finally "finished" Oblivion today, meaning i am done with the main quest and guild quests. It's nice to not focus all my time on that game . It only took me 125 hours!

Oh, yeah , Mary, thanks for posting about Prodigy- Invaders Must Die. Holy CRAP! It took me a little while to find it, and now i am in LOVE. Though i feel like a bad fan for downloading albums illegally, when their leaked, it was totally worth it. I am a bit on a downloading craze recently. I'm really looking for new musical intrests. I listen to everything , but i'd found myself downloading a lot of dance music, and alternative, and metal. Think along the lines of MSI, Muse, Fireflight, Deadlock, Children of Bodom and stuff. NeXuS is also amazing if people like house/trancey type of stuff.I just need suggestions. I'm not too particularly keen to country but everything else i'm pretty open to . Even international stuff. I just, i am getting board with the megar collection i have due to my dell being on the fritz.

Also, my new car is wonderful! You have no idea how excited i am to own something thats an 07' with under 50,000 miles. This is the nicest car i've ever owned. It's so smooth, and very roomy inside. It's really much larger than any other car ive had and feels like im driving an SUV. It's wonderful! ( And my music sounds awsome in it too!). I mean, now im going to be in debt to the bank for 5 years and to my father for a while but its cool.

I think we're running to the mall now , to just hang out and look at computers and keyboards. Maybe i'll buy som more xbox live. Maybe i wont. Oh well.

I get to pick up my 07' Dodge Caliber tomorrow at 10am.

Talk about freakin excited! I got it for $9,000, which for its condition and stuff, is about $4,000 under blue book price. Oh man, how i do love Johnny Lant, and my family for shopping there for the past, hm, 40-50 some-odd years.

It's silver. It feels like an SUV but looks like a hatchback/wagon. Seriously, best car ever. I've already found the new tail-lights and headlights i want, now, about that wiring....

Only one negative thing lately... I'm getting to be so sick, but it's been about a year since the last time i was sick, so it's overdue!

Double today! Bye.

So, i just went to the bank and they pre-approved me for 10,000$, but they said they would finance more if i needed it!!!!! I'm looking at getting an 07' Ford Fusion, if the money is right. I'm hopping the guy my family goes to ( we have been going there for now 3 generations) will hook me up. Hes always really good to us , and he has this fusion on the lot! Even if he'll drop it to like 11,000 or 12,000 i'll pay the extra 30 or so dollars a month. I want that car, badly!

Heres to hoping! I should know by monday or so!

So my car started leaking coolant last week, i figured it wasnt a big deal, though i should have guessed it would be based on my previous cars i've owned. I just didnt drive it until today, to bring it to the shop to have it looked at . Yet AGAIN i have a car with cracked head. Seriously. 2nd car in a row! I only owe $1600 on this car and it would cost a lot more than that to fix, not to mention finding the parts is really next to impossible. I loved this car. Power everything, sunroof, leather seats, decent audio. Good gas milage. Plus it was the first car i paid for on my own. Alone. NO help. No co-signer, no help on my down payment. This was all me.

I just dont get my luck with cars! Seriously , i wish i could buy a nice new car, but that requires money which is something in shirt supply. I make enough right now to pay my bills and stuff , i have been unable to save much the past year or so. I dont even know how i'm going to afford a new car. I know that whatever car i buy is going to be something i do not want, but it's all i can afford.

This is the 6th car ive had in 6 years, and it too has died.

RIP Daewoo Leganza. You'll be missed! :(

Because of this, i dont know if i can make it to NC for your baby-shower Natasha. I wanted to so badly, but, i just dont know if it's going to be possible.

Also: I just lied to the NYS Smoker's Quitline and told them the patches they gave me made me quit. I used two. They made me all shaky and detached. I'm still smoking. This state can go fuck itself.

I feel so weird tonight. It's as though all these tiny little bombs are going off in my brain and i keep getting really happy, and then really sad. Im being flooded by all sorts of memories i forgot about tonight. I'm being faced with the worst of myself and the best of myself. I feel like i'm fucked up on drugs, and i'm not even stoned anymore ( well, not really). I just feel so detached from myself. For the first night in a long time i feel calm. I mean, im always calm, but im always angry or anxious as well. But tonight, tonight i feel like im at peace. I don't know exactly what i'm at peace with i just know i am.

I guess i've just admitted a lot of stuff to myself lately. I've learned to accept that things will never be perfect for me. Things will never go the way i want to . I am destined to help people and i'm destined to doom them. I am destined to love and hold on to that love, and i am destined to be heartbroken.

(Edit: It restored my saved draft and deleted half of my entry in the process. -sigh-. o well. it was good too.)

Ive begun researching moving out west. Preferably Arizona, the phoenix area. Chris and i are just done. We're so fed up with life in the north. One of the few things i loved about living in Charlotte was the lack of snow fall like the NE gets. The winters here are just becoming unbearable. It's barely reached 25 the past 2 weeks. We've been hammered by about 4 storms so far this season, this is all not counting the fact that when i snows, it continues to snow for days. It's been snowing for 3 days. Sure, not much accumulation, but it's been snowing non-stop for three days. On days when it's sunny it's not even bright. The sun sets at about 4:30- 5:00. Days are so short and dark up here in the winter. It was -27 up here a few days ago. With windchill, i dont doubt it felt -40. WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND ACTUALLY WANTS TO LIVE IN THIS?! - 40 fucking degrees. There is cold, and there is unbearable.

So why a jump from snow to desert?

I've always wanted to live in either Utah, Arizona, Nevada or Colorado. I've never been to any of these places but my family has. My sister, father, mother, grandparents.... Even Chris's family . Neither of us has been but all our family and friends can talk about is how beautiful it is. Not to mention added pluses such as no snow, min. rainfall. Sun. SUN! I dont mind heat, i could care less about how hot it gets. I love being warm, hot and toasty. I swear i'm a lizard. If i was any animal id be a lizard. I'd bask in the sun all day ( of course, if i didnt burn terribly like i do now, and if it didnt cause cancer). Then there is the fact that real estate is cheap. Cheap! Awesome looking homes. A lot are in need of repair, but, when they are selling for 20,000-40,000, because of forclosure and what not, repair is doable. The job market out that way is not all too bad and there is a State Farm there that Chris could transfer to until he figured out what exactly he wants to do with his life.

The ultimate reason for living out that way, and it may sound super corny and/or dumb. I can finally buy a motorcycle, and then we can ride year round ( or close to ). If we move out west we have decided to own only ONE car. A good one. Id like a mustang, and so would Chris. Convertible. Two motorcycles. The amount of money we'd save on car payments, insurance and gas would be so worth it. Dropping 160$ car payment, 115$ in insurance and 100-150$ in gas could mean more money to save. More money to spend on home items. More money to finaly spend on myself. I swear i spend all my money on bills and esstentials. What little i have left i spend on SOME activities, but mostly i try to save. This is not going too well, but, thats ok .

I want out of here . I want to live in a place where i dont have to worry about cold, snow, ice. No bonechilling winds. I want to live somewhere that will make me happy. Somewhere that Chris can be happy. Thats means being able to ride his motorcycle year round, so if that means living in the dessert that is fine by me. Less yard work! I want to establish my life somehwere. I want to settle down so that we ca hopefully get married and start a family in the next few years. I want to be where my life should be, and that is out of the northeast. I , of course, would miss my family. I would be lying if i said my relationship with my family is great though. I feel like a horrible daughter when i realize i have not seen my mother since Christmas. I see my grandmother more than my mother and even then i only see her once a month. I love my family to death, and they love me as well, but i've never had that family bond thing. Not like my sister. It would suck to leave them, but they understand. The fact my father also believes this is impossible just drives me more. I want to prove to my father that he is not always right. He should believe in me more. He should put his faith in me. I know i have given him reasons not to but i feel like i'm much more grown up. Sure i dont have my life perfectly figured out, but i'm getting there. I'm trying. I just want more emotional support and backing from him. I want to him to realize that i am capable of being more than i am. I want him to be happy that i have achieved more than he and that i have made something of my life. I want to be happy. Something, i think, my father has not been ina while. I want him to come visit and play golf all the time.

I want my father to be proud of me. I think, in proving him wrong, he will finally be. I think he has been waiting for the day we ( my sister and I ) finally told him " You're wrong". That day, i think in his eyes, i stop being his little girl and i FINALLY become an adult.

We will eventually move there. I feel it in my blood.

But , seriously, where to start?

So evidently i overpaid two months on my electric bill.... somehow. I knew i over paid one month, well i was pretty sure. Now my bill this month shows i owe nothing. I dont know this is just confusing. I also dont understand how i could pay two months worth of bills TWICE. I think it may be a bit messed up. Dunno though. Whatever. If this means i dont have to make a payment for like two months, that pretty cool. I can save up money this way!

Paying bills online is somewhat confusing sometimes!

I dont remember if i said this in a previous post or not, but i've been listening to a LOT of Bjork lately. A TON. I love it. So much. I'm glad im revisiting my old collection of music. I was also really tempted to get in touch with this person on CL who was selling 750 CDS with cases for 150$. Then i thought that i really cant afford that, but how amazing of a deal! I wish i could buy it. Seriously i wouldnt have to buy another cd for over a year! ( I hate that my macbook pretty much almost scratches my arm, like the edge of it does, where your arm hits when you are typing. it hurts so bad!). I've also been trying to get more into dance, house, trance , all that fun stuff. I used to listen to a lot of "raver" music, but i stopped. And i really love it. I like the beat , and bass. I cant really ever understand lyrics, but i can feel the music. I'm not deaf but my hearing is starting to get bad again, like it was when i was little. Everyother word out of Chris's mouth and i'm saying " Huh" or "What", or i hear something different and i yell at him. Oh well.

Ryan Adams. Elliott Smith. Daft Punk. Interpol. The Prodigy. Bjork. The Decemberists. Aphex Twin. etc. I love music. sjoifsjwvofiaejvoiaj i want more! Lets share someone?! I have a 250G external hardrive that needs to be filled up. Also if anyone knows where i can get a CHEAP power supply for a Dell Dimension 2350, please let me know. I think that the power supply is bad on my dell an that is why it either wont turn on, or turn on for about 10 secs then shut off.