Im considering moving my personal blog to blogspot.com
I've been using live journal for almost 10 years. The accounts that i have on here have so much history. They have my life history on these pages, but, i am not the person that these accounts reflect me to be. Ive grown up, and i dont want my past actions and thoughts following me around. I wouldnt delete these accounts, i cant delete my past, but i dont want people to read it all now and have it reflect badly on me...
Now, what should my username be on there?
I can never do anything right. I dont ever recieve the respect i deserve, and my boyfrind takes everything i do for him for granted.
I'm never cleaning, doing laundry, cooking, doing dishes, etc. again. Whats the point anymore when he has no respect for all that i do and trashes it all within 2 hours. Oh yeah and our meals are ALWAYS what he wants. In fact everything is always what he wants. He never drives anywhere. He never goes to the store. He ceans when he fels like it.
I'm just so sick of his whinning if he doesnt get his way. His mood swings are getting horrible. ANd so are mine.
Sometimes i think of where i could be right now, if id never met Chris and then i ge so sad. I dont want to think this all. I mean, i really do love this guy. Hes just getting on my fucking nerves and acting even more immature than ever.
Since i cant really scream, i'm going to do it here.... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
I JUST APPLIED TO BE A VIDEO GAME TESTER!!! IN UPSTATE NY?!
Who cares if it pays only $9.00 an hour. It's 40 hrs per week, mostly days ( some wekends) and it would be my ideal job. I finally wrote my first cover letter since highschool. I thought it was very catchy and pretty much summarized what i was looking for and what thy would find within. I REALLY hope these people call. My only downfall is my inexperience when it comes to testing games and troubleshooting involved but i do really belive that i would be able to pick up on all of that very quickly.
The company i applied for has helped produce all the guitar heros, 007: quantum of solace and NUMEROUS other games i already play on a regular basis!
WAIT until chris hears about this!
I really really really hope i get this, but so do about 90485098069284098w09 other kids/adults in this area 18 and over, more than likely.
I'm going to try to not get my hopes up too much. Time to start working out hardcore! Gotta look good... you know.
Days like today really wish i was dead because then i wouldnt have to deal with all the problems that life has thrown at me. My life has never been good. It's as if i've been cursed since the day i was born. Thinking about it i truly dont believe there was ever a time i was truly happy, except for when i was on drugs. Lord knows how that addiction did not last, and that i overcame all that noise because that had the potential to be a big explosive mess. Seriously though, i havent thought about dying since i was in my mid teens, but now its something i think about on a regular basis. Im afriad that my brain is reaching back in depths i thought it had burried long ago.
One of the biggest things right now is the ordeal with my brother. I mean, it's been 6 years. And it is partially my fault. I stopped calling and seeing him but only because i felt so unwelcome in her home. There was no way to be private with him and we couldnt take him anywhere, and it was ALWAYS on HER fucking schedule. I then moved away and really never came home and by the time i'd moved back the number has been changed and stuff.
But i found a way. I found her on facebook. So i sent the bitch a very mature message devoid of accusations and such.This is how it read:
I seemed to have stumbled upon your page in a quest to find my brother online. It's been 6 years since ive last seen him and that is far too long. I would like your permission to contact him, either via the phone, email or a hand written letter. I want to be part of his life and i want to know if he would like to be a part of ours.Our family wants to be a part of his life but if that is not possible and only i am able to then so be it.
This is absence was brought about by a plethora of problems but it is not fair for us to be punished in such a fashion. He is my little brother. I never got to see him off for his first day of school, i have not been there for all the achievements, and sports, and that is killing me. Its killing all of us.
I dont expect him or you to just welcome us with open arms. Id slowly like to establish a relationship with him again and when he is comfortable and up to it, i'd like to see him. I'm 23 years old. I'd like to bring him our for dinner or something eventually.I want to share in his life at school, in sports, friends and family.
We all would.
You can either contact me here, at email@example.com or by phone at 518-322-6311.
Thanks, and hopefully i hear from you soon
She , instead of responding and stuff, delted her facebook. She delted the whole fucking thing! She's 40 years old and she keeps running from all of this. I understand how my resurfacing may mess with the perfect life she has now and it may throw things off kilter but i cant imagine he has forgotten about us. My only fear is that she told him all this horrible stuff after we stopped contact because, well even before that she was telling him we were horrible people. God, i love my brother so much . I dont think my hart has ever been this broken before. Seriously people, i can not make you feel the pain i do. I guess it's close to the pain one would feel if they were to lose a close family member. Lose as in die. Except , it's like you thought this person had died only to find out they've been alive all this while, and try as you might you cant contact them. Thats the type of pain i feel. ITs been keeping me up at night, and is starting to make me physically sick. I've barely eaten in 2-3 days.
I've also been out of bud for about 4 days now and the lady i buy from is out too. Shes been waiting a while to get some. I guess they've been cracking down all the pot dealers up here. Seriously, why cant i just enjoy anything?! Everytime i play on xbox Chris gets jealous, and thinks i enjoy plying with these stoner kids from Lexington, NC more than him. It's not the truth but they are a good way to de-stress bcause they dont yell at me. Ever. These kids are the biggest stoners ive ever met, in real life or online. Haha, they want me to come chill and smoke a blunt if i ever go to NC again.
Because the world is round it turns me on
Because the world is round...aaaaaahhhhhh
Because the wind is high it blows my mind
Because the wind is high......aaaaaaaahhhh
Love is old, love is new
Love is all, love is you
Because the sky is blue, it makes me cry
Because the sky is blue.......aaaaaaaahhhh
I'm on the biggest beatles kick of my life. I'm glad i'm welcoming music back into my life and that my collection is growing on a daily basis. I missed this. I miss a lot of things about the person i was before all the drugs, booze and partying. Chris told me on a scale of 1-10 ( 1 being the worst, ten the best) of how attached to reality my mind is, that i am a 7. He said i'm burntout from all the shit i've done, but that im still here, just a little "HUH?!". I was offened at first, but its true....
I had no where else to go. Chris is asleep and danielle isnt answering my texts and i'm a total mess right now.
I just found pictures of my brother on the internet. I found his mothers facebook. I havent seen him in 6 years. I have not seen his face in 6 years! I'm so besides myself. I havent heard his voice, or been there for much of his childhood. He looks so happy. So healthy. He looks like us ( the relyeas). I've been told he is disgustingly smart and very well liked in school ( a family friend has been his substitute teacher before).
I want to see him so badly. What i really want is to give him the chance to decide for himself but i dont know what to do . I'm afraid if i contact his mother that she will only deny us even more.
I mean come on! To deny someone their family for 6 years because you decided you didnt like our family for no reason is just so wrong.
Even though i havent seen him in 6 years i still love him like the day he was born. God i miss him.
I havent posted much lately because i havent had much to say besides the usual ranting and raving about job, money, life. It's always all the same. The same wishes and dreams that never get fullfilled. I need out of here. NY drives me nuts, or maybe i'm just going nuts because i havent had a true vacation in.... almost 2 years, and even then it was a strained vacation at its best. As much as i would like to leave , i cant. MONEY.
I'm also pretty sure i need to get my wisdom teeth removed but im dreading making the hone call and appointment, but this pain is slowly becoming unbearable. It started a few months ago with constant dull headaches. These headaches have turned into massive migraines, or my bad days, and my jaw just throbs until the pain meds kick in. The tooth broke through the gum and now its pushing on the tooth next to it causing my pain. Just seriously, evolution, we dont need these teeth just knock them out of there for future generations. Really though, i'm actually hoping my dentist says that i have to get all four removed because well then i wont reall be able to eat for a week and i know i'll lose weight. Its a horrible thought to have but just knowing i can only suck down soft, cool things for days makes me so excited. I think it's the past person in me. The young girl who enjoyed starving herself to be thin. This was all so long before most of you knew me, back in the days of middle school and early high school, the days before i stopped caring about anything.
I need to write to my new penpal. I told her i'd send her letter out this week and i havent written it and i feel like a horrible person. But i really enjoy writing to someone i dont know. It's a nice outlet, and allows me to meet people through out the country and the world. I know i could do it all on her but that is so artificial.
Resident Evil 5 for the 360 is seriously the best game to come out this year, thus far. Chris played over 12 hours today and its probably going to be what we do tomorrow before i have to go to work.
Time for bed. I'll write more again soon. I forgot a lot of what i wanted to say. Oh well.
I could never imagine my life without Christopher and i am so lucky to have him. It makes not having friends ok because well, i never really get sick of hanging out with him. Sure we argue and bicker, but at the end of the day we go to bed so much more in love than we were when we woke up.
I'm starting to consider just working at the grocery store during the day, as a cashier, and bank all the money that i make at that job to move. I want to start my life and unfortunately i need to be away from my family to do that. For some reason i let them all have so much of a pull on my life . But it's MY life, not theirs and i should do what i want. I still havent come up with a decision about my sister.... i still dont know what to do .
Chris and i do need a friend that would like to play risk with us. He bought me the game back in like august or sept. or something and we have yet to play because NO ONE WILL PLAY WITH US!! This sucks. I seriously love this game. HIs cousin and our friend mags just refuse to. Sure, they'll sit on the 360 all day and play mind numbing games but cant spend a few hours playing a game that requires you to think.
I'm going to stop writting for a while, ill fiish this post later.
I hate the fact that right now i have to make a big one and in making this decision i either lose either way. Depending on what i choose to do either my bf moves out and back to his parents until we eventually move, whenever that is, or i piss off my father and my sister, probably my mother and grandmother too.
See right now my sister, mother and father all live together due to some stuff that happened about 6 months ago , they all needed a home. Well, now my mother is moving back in with her boyfriend and his kids and my father is moving in with our grandmother until he moves out of state. Now, my sister. She needs a place to live. She can live with my mother and mike and either have the whole basement to herself or her own bedroom, rent free. She told my mother she will not live there again and instead is pushing heavily on me to let her live here, like she did for me when i needed a place to crash. The thing is that i was only at her house for a month. 1/2 of that i had a bed and 1/2 of it i slept on a couch. I was really rarely there when her and her boyfriend were home, id stay out til 2 or 3 am everyday so they could have their privacy.
I want to say yes to her. It would lower our bills for the next few months and allow us to save. The thing is Chris is so agaisnt this, but part of me is too. This is my life. Chris and i have a hard enough time fitting into this two bedroom apartment , let alone add another person to the mix. Not only that but if the rental office found out she was living here and we had a third car instead of the two that are allowed we can be evicted.
So either i help out my sister ( who still has two months to find her own place, or move in with my mother RENT FREE), and lose my boyfriend or say no to my sister and completely get the wrath of my entire family. I should not have to make this decision. I love my family. I love my boyfriend who is part of my family to me and before i get the " Well if he loved you hed help her out" speeches, Chris and i live our lives exactly how we want. We are both intensely private people ( though i guess you could say im not as private as i seem to write out my life story on this blog) and by allowing someone else into our home our lives literally have to change. We cant walk around in just underwear like we always do. We cant be up until 3 or 4 am everyday like we are ( my sisters room would be right off the living room). We'd have to move all our furniture around when we just finally got it set up how we like.Of course too, if Chris were to stay all of his shit would be going into our bedroom and the walls are pretty thin here, i can only imagine the noise complaints we would get from playing video games all night.
I am just so lost right now. I feel like a heartless person for not wanting my sister here, but i dont want to completely change my life. But i want her here because she is my sister and i want to help her. I already know she is going to act like a mother and be all bitchy that shit is dirty, or that we smoke too much bud etc etc.I have not been this depressed in a while,I slept until 2 pm today. Ive watched the entire season of Dead Like Me in about 12 hours. I just cleaned the living room and that took enough energy. Now, im looking at the kitchen and all i can do is cry because of all the dishes. And the laundry. OMG THE LAUNDRY. There are not enough hours in the day.
I wish i could just disapear then that way i would not have to make this decision. Oh yeah, my father also informed me that he will be storing shit in my garage. Oh, ok , glad that he asked. We dont even have any room down there, so now i have to throw my shit out too.
Im losing my mind.....and i have no clue what to do .
According to weather.com it's only 46 outside. According to our electronic thermometer it's 56!!!!!
I wish i wasnt a double today :/
Chris should have taken his motorcycle to work too. Oh well. Shower time!